The doubts in believing what I thought was happening, kept weighed in the back of my mind, as I tried everything I knew to make the baby inside my body move. Maybe tomorrow he/she won't be so worn out, and will start moving again. Crying myself to sleep, hopefully over nothing, to make tomorrow come faster, so my mind could finally be put to rest.
It had to be my imagination, lighting doesn't strike in the same spot twice, right? (Prior to this pregnancy we had a high risk pregnancy where our daughter had Hypo-plastic Left Heart Syndrome and Turner syndrome) The hospital can put my mind at ease like they always have in the past.
Every inch of my belly gave no sound I longed to hear, the nurse went to get the sonogram machine, returned, and the stillness before my eyes had to still be my imagination. A higher quality sonogram machine was brought in, surely the other just was too old to be able to see the slightest glimmer of hope flickering away deep inside my womb. But to no avail the motionlessness remained in image form before us, confirming my biggest fear.
All pains of delivery came soon after induction began. It shouldn't be like this when you are to bring a motionless baby into this world just to be able to say goodbye forever. No justice in that at all. Though its not really forever we hold on to the promise that someday we will be reunited into heaven with those who lives ended here on earth.
A little boy was placed on me motionless after he was cleaned up, Seven Months being inside my body, now my journey was ended. my trust in sonogram and echo-cardio gram was pointless.
My trust should of been more in the Lord, even though I had trusted Him, I think I could have trusted a little more.
I was told I could keep him as long as I needed and I kept him over night. While I slept two hours he rested in the newborn bed motionless.
I was visited again in the early morning by the lady from choices. She took some pictures for us. Then I got my breakfast and then house keeping came. I was eating by light from the bathroom, and the house keeper shut off the light so I used my cell phone to see my food and I think it helped me choke the hospital food down.
No comments:
Post a Comment